Last night, Sansara were amazing. There were about twenty people in the choir, ten male and ten female, all young people. They sang mostly without instrument, beautiful harmonies, gorgeous chamber music. The words I would use are clarity and purity of sound. Their sounds resonated around the church which dated from 1130.
I didn’t cry, not a drop. As the music filled the church, I closed my eyes and took a close look at all the aspects of me that I have denied and shunned, the part of me that despairs, the part that hurts, the part that is angry, the part that grieves for all the losses, the part that is scarred, the part that is scared, the part that hates, the part that lashes out, the part that feels weak, the list goes on. As these versions of me paraded before me, to the soundtrack of Sansara singing over the loud tinnitus, seething, crackling and hissing in my head, I started to recall times in the past when one or another of these parts had manifested in my life, throughout adulthood, teenage, childhood and yes, even going all the way back to the womb.
I called out to every one of them in my mind. I called them to me and embraced them, I offered them love, I told them I accepted them completely, I told them they were a part of me, that we were whole and belonged together. I engulfed them all in a loving hug. It felt good, it seemed like a really good thing to do.
Even though this was a good moment, I continue to feel down, mostly numb and still desperate for a good cry. The main feeling that grips me at times like this is isolation. I internalise, speak less, whereas inside I am a swirling mess of dark thoughts and darker emotions, unexpressed, and yet I am drowning in them. Nobody gets it, nobody wants to know, they cannot help, anyway. I shun them all, my thoughts tell me they don’t care, they are fed up of me and my problems. And even if they do care, they haven’t got a clue what to say or how to pull me out of this pit of despair.
Yeah, things are getting a bit deep, right now. I still believe and hope this is going to lift in the next two days or so, just a part of the clearing from the treatment yesterday, a part of the healing process. Let it be so.