I’ve always struggled to involve others when I’m going down with my mood. Either I hide it or talk too much about it. Saying nothing is a part of the withdrawal process that comes with depression, fuelled by thoughts that others won’t want to know or that I shouldn’t burden them. Talking too much happens when I get scared and desperate, by that time, I’m self-consumed as only depression can make me. For once, I may have got the balance right.
Over the past year, I‘ve found the truest and most special connection with a person who feels to me like a part of my own soul. This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing and I feel so blessed because I never even knew such a relationship was possible. I didn’t know how to deal with such a strong and deep connection for a while, but this is something only a fool would let go of and I am not going to be that fool.
Yesterday, despite having her own huge difficulties at this time, she stopped everything to charge to the rescue the moment she realised I was going down. That’s exactly the type of person she is. And what she said was so perfect that it was as though I was immediately wrapped in a blanket of love. How could one be depressed after that? I went to bed with a feeling of being loved and a warm glow in my heart. She had kept my heart open.
Then, today I went to the hospital to visit my mother. She had knee replacement surgery three days ago and is recovering, although she has developed a blood clot and is in a lot of pain. Today, whilst I was with her, the physio staff came to get her out of bed for the first time. To this point, she had not even moved her poorly leg. She did everything they asked of her to get her to sit on the end of the bed, stand with a zimmer frame and transfer to a chair. Sounds easy, but she was in agony and at times she screamed with the pain. I found it quite hard to watch and had tears in my eyes that I tried to hide, I was so proud of her, at no point did she complain or refuse to continue, she was a true warrior. Afterwards, I told her that and let her know how impressed I had been with what she had done. Later, as I said goodbye, more love came pouring my way.
In all my years, apart from telling me “I think you’re lovely” several times over the past four years, my mother has not told me anything more loving than that, ever, not when I got my degree, became a schoolteacher or got married. But today, for the first time, she said three things that blew me away; “I love you”, “I couldn’t love you more if I tried” and “I’m glad you came into our family”. Wow. That’s a first. That last comment referred to the fact my mum and dad adopted me as a baby. I came away from the hospital today with tears in my eyes and more love in my heart than I could have imagined. I cannot see how my mood could possibly crash now, with the love and support of my soul sister and the love of my mother filling me up to the brim. And I love them both back with my whole heart.