It’s the first day of February, as I look back over the month of January, there was only one day when I was free of symptoms and able to get on with my life. I face a decision, looking back over my diary, I can’t argue against the evidence that the migraines have changed from episodic to chronic. Does this mean I have to face the fact that this is my life, that there is no point in thinking it could all go away? Right now, as I write, I’m going down again, my head is pounding, my tinnitus is roaring, all day I have struggled to think and function. And, most importantly, my energy reserve is empty. I think, this time, the depression is going to come as well, oh, how much I hope not.
January has been a difficult month, my mother has been in hospital for three weeks now and I’ve been visiting most mornings. I try to go in as early as possible and stay until her lunch arrives at about one pm. Then, I go home and cannot function, there’s nothing left in me, no energy at all. I usually go and lie down. Recently, I read that migraine may be related to the pressure of the skull on the top of the spine, that is, the atlas vertebrae. This makes some sense to me, after all, things get worse as the day progresses, the longer I stand upright, and lying down seems to be the only thing that helps.
Guy, my neuro integration system practitioner, has been treating my atlas vertebrae and he noticed it was not aligned or working as it should, some time ago. He had to work on it over a number of sessions because it kept reverting to a dysfunctional state. He did set it right, but I don’t know how it is now. It seems to me that every time I have a migraine, especially the big ones that go on for a while, several other functions in my brain get screwed up and then Guy finds problems with my hypothalamus or startle response. Most often, he finds I’m hyper-sensitive to visual and auditory stimuli and this creates slowed down responses to everyday basic situations. I can’t tell right from left or even get my words out, my thinking time is too slow.
I’ve continued to do things that I hope would change all this, because I believe physical disablement can be a manifestation of a psychological problem. I’ve been trying to open my heart because, when I get depressed alongside the migraine, I close down and lose trust in others as a protective device. I haven’t given up using the technique for keeping my heart open, even if the migraine doesn’t improve, it’s something I need to do.
Now, I’m doing a Soul Plan reading for myself and I found that it indicates a tendency to deny my shadow self. I’m not a stranger to working with dark energy, having depression sees to that, but I wonder if the depression is a manifestation of my shadow expressing itself, I do have a tendency to embrace my light side and ignore my shadow when I’m well. Right now, I’m not quite sure what to do about this.
I find myself contemplating medication again, something I despise to put into my body. When I took it before, it stopped the migraine, but at a cost. I still believe the migraine can go away, so, I’m reluctant to take medication because, apart from putting all those toxins in my body, I won’t know if it’s gone away or got better as I try each new possible solution. I did say I would stick with Guy and see where that left me but it seems Guy has just dropped away, he told me he would telephone me last week but he didn’t call. He said he was waiting for things to stabilise in order to continue treatment but I think we’ll be waiting a mighty long time for that to happen, based on the last few months.